Loss is an inevitable part of life. In fact, the more you have the more you stand to lose. This spans the gamut of relationships, jobs, houses, etc. It's natural to experience loss. It's how you deal with loss that can be a true measure of who you are.
Even if you experience loss, you will have more again later. I've had some remarkable relationships that I was sad to see end. However, every time I was able to meet someone even better afterwards. It might not be a week or a month later but it will happen.
You need to learn from your losses. They teach us valuable lessons about what is important to us. Maybe we can do with less. Maybe we will be motived to regain what we lost. The key is to not give up and to continue striving to be the best we can be.
It is often quoted that the overall divorce rate in the US is around 50% (althouth it's probably somewhere between 40 and 50%). Those are dismal odds if you want a marriage that will last. The thing that is not mentioned is that the rate of remarriage is around 60%. People like to couple up. It's human nature. Most people find someone to share their lives with. That should be encouraging.
So, out of any loss comes opportunity. There's opportunity to learn more about yourself and what you want in life. You can learn from your losses but you shouldn't ruminate over them. Make your losses into positives and you will find that the things you had may not have been what was best for you in the first place.
Friday, December 18, 2009
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Live in the Moment
We spend most of our time thinking about things that happened and thinking about the future. But to really experience life, we need to be present to the moment. Living in the moment doesn't mean being hedonistic or doing things that will hurt other people and then justifying those actions by saying you are living in the moment. It means taking in what is happening at any given time and appreciating the time you have with people.
When it comes down to it, everything in life is temporary. This makes it even more important to give the present your full attention. We don't have to stop planning for the future or learning from the past. Those things are essential for us to be high-functioning people. But when we ruminate about the past or worry excessively about the future then we really aren't living life to the fullest. It's like being stuck in neutral.
You need to become aware of where your thoughts are to change your focus. If you take care of this day, then the rest will fall into place. You can't live life more than one day at a time. If you don't like what is happening in your life on any given day, then do something about it that day. Waiting to do something will not help. Before you know it, some time will have passed and you will no longer be so concerned about the things you have no control over in your life.
Enjoy everything you do. Enjoy every person you talk to even if they are the clerk at the store. Take time to pet your dog. Live in the moment and all your worries will fade away.
When it comes down to it, everything in life is temporary. This makes it even more important to give the present your full attention. We don't have to stop planning for the future or learning from the past. Those things are essential for us to be high-functioning people. But when we ruminate about the past or worry excessively about the future then we really aren't living life to the fullest. It's like being stuck in neutral.
You need to become aware of where your thoughts are to change your focus. If you take care of this day, then the rest will fall into place. You can't live life more than one day at a time. If you don't like what is happening in your life on any given day, then do something about it that day. Waiting to do something will not help. Before you know it, some time will have passed and you will no longer be so concerned about the things you have no control over in your life.
Enjoy everything you do. Enjoy every person you talk to even if they are the clerk at the store. Take time to pet your dog. Live in the moment and all your worries will fade away.
Be True to Yourself
The "self" is an interesting thing. It's hard to define what it is. It seems to be the sum of our beliefs, thoughts, and feelings. It's the part of us that makes us feel like individuals separate from other people. There are different aspects of the self. There's the self that is who we are, the self that we project to other people, and the self that we want to be. Each self would be the same if you are a truly congruous person. However, it's not always that way.
Sometimes we project different things to people so they will view us a certain way. We have our family self, work self, etc. It's probably a good thing to separate those things. You might not want to divulge too much about yourself to your co-workers. The thing is that a wide disparity between these different selves can create problems.
Perhaps the real issue isn't what we project but being aware of who you are. Many people become fixated with who they want to be instead of embracing who they are. Wanting to be different or try new things is okay but you need to start with who you are. Sometimes we change and we are slow to accept that change has happened. That can create stumbling blocks as well.
Here is an example. I was a shy kid but I'm not anymore. I'm still surprised when people tell me that they think I'm outgoing. What I need to do is embrace who I am. Things could be worse. I could still be shy. All I need to do is get my view of my self to match who I really am. I'm just about there with that. It's actually refreshing.
Things are different if you are currently trying to change who you are. You need to look within yourself and examine who you really are first. Then any change in your self will be a positive one. We get into trouble when we try to be someone we aren't. We might be able to sustain those changes for awhile but they won't be a reflection of who we really are. Life is too short. Be true to yourself and you will enjoy life more.
Sometimes we project different things to people so they will view us a certain way. We have our family self, work self, etc. It's probably a good thing to separate those things. You might not want to divulge too much about yourself to your co-workers. The thing is that a wide disparity between these different selves can create problems.
Perhaps the real issue isn't what we project but being aware of who you are. Many people become fixated with who they want to be instead of embracing who they are. Wanting to be different or try new things is okay but you need to start with who you are. Sometimes we change and we are slow to accept that change has happened. That can create stumbling blocks as well.
Here is an example. I was a shy kid but I'm not anymore. I'm still surprised when people tell me that they think I'm outgoing. What I need to do is embrace who I am. Things could be worse. I could still be shy. All I need to do is get my view of my self to match who I really am. I'm just about there with that. It's actually refreshing.
Things are different if you are currently trying to change who you are. You need to look within yourself and examine who you really are first. Then any change in your self will be a positive one. We get into trouble when we try to be someone we aren't. We might be able to sustain those changes for awhile but they won't be a reflection of who we really are. Life is too short. Be true to yourself and you will enjoy life more.
Slow Cooking and Sudden Change
One thing I've learned from dating is that you need to take people as they are. You can't expect them to change. But does that mean that people can't change? Psychologists say that personality becomes relatively stable after the age of 30. Yet, we all experience life changes after that age (birth of a child, divorce, job changes, etc.). We need to be cognitively flexible to deal with these changes. Still, does that mean that we are changing our personalities?
It makes sense that personality should become stable. We'd be erratic and irrational if our personalities changed all the time. Being able to deal with situational things is different from creating lasting changes within ourselves. Or is it? This is the tricky part. We may only be able to change our thoughts about things. Changing our thoughts and perceptions will produce changes in our behavior. Maybe that is the only inner change we can really count on in life.
Perhaps the creative process can shed some light on this issue. Creativity consists of four stages: preparation, incubation, illumination, and verification. Preparation is the stage where we learn about what we are doing. Incubation is an unconscious process where our thoughts about the subject slosh around in our minds even if we aren't aware of them. Illumination is when we have the "aha" moment that seems like insight came out of nowhere. And lastly, verification is the stage where we decide if our illumination reflects what we originally wanted to do.
Creativity is considered a form of problem solving. As such, this framework can be generalized to other problems in life besides writing a song or a poem. When we are faced with challenges in life, we can prepare for them by talking to people, doing research, etc. Then there is a stage where it seems like nothing is happening. Then suddenly, we have the realization of how we can move on. Change takes time but if we go through these stages we can get there.
For years I wanted to learn to cook. I told myself I didn't have time or that cooking was for other people who learned how to do it when they were younger. Then, one day when I was separated from my ex-wife, I suddenly had the compulsion to stop at the store on the way home from work and get some groceries to cook dinner. And that was the beginning of my learning to cook. In a moment's flash, a lasting life change took place that made me more independent, more self-sufficient, and more confident. It might sound cheesy but that's the way I perceive what happened.
And so the same thing can happen with other issues in your life. Problems might pile up. Unresolved issues might resurface. But when the illumination stage strikes, you are ready for the change in your life. Then it's up to you to run with it. Just remember that your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors are all integrally related.
Changing your thoughts will change how you feel about something and how you behave. Changing how you feel about something will change how your think about it and what you do in the future. Changing your behavior will change your thoughts and feelings, but maybe only temporarily. Lasting personality change needs be start with your thoughts and feelings - then your behavior will follow suit.
So, if life has gotten you down and it seems like things aren't changing for you, it may be that you are in the incubation stage with what has happened to you. Give yourself a break. People are adaptive and change happens even if it takes time.
It makes sense that personality should become stable. We'd be erratic and irrational if our personalities changed all the time. Being able to deal with situational things is different from creating lasting changes within ourselves. Or is it? This is the tricky part. We may only be able to change our thoughts about things. Changing our thoughts and perceptions will produce changes in our behavior. Maybe that is the only inner change we can really count on in life.
Perhaps the creative process can shed some light on this issue. Creativity consists of four stages: preparation, incubation, illumination, and verification. Preparation is the stage where we learn about what we are doing. Incubation is an unconscious process where our thoughts about the subject slosh around in our minds even if we aren't aware of them. Illumination is when we have the "aha" moment that seems like insight came out of nowhere. And lastly, verification is the stage where we decide if our illumination reflects what we originally wanted to do.
Creativity is considered a form of problem solving. As such, this framework can be generalized to other problems in life besides writing a song or a poem. When we are faced with challenges in life, we can prepare for them by talking to people, doing research, etc. Then there is a stage where it seems like nothing is happening. Then suddenly, we have the realization of how we can move on. Change takes time but if we go through these stages we can get there.
For years I wanted to learn to cook. I told myself I didn't have time or that cooking was for other people who learned how to do it when they were younger. Then, one day when I was separated from my ex-wife, I suddenly had the compulsion to stop at the store on the way home from work and get some groceries to cook dinner. And that was the beginning of my learning to cook. In a moment's flash, a lasting life change took place that made me more independent, more self-sufficient, and more confident. It might sound cheesy but that's the way I perceive what happened.
And so the same thing can happen with other issues in your life. Problems might pile up. Unresolved issues might resurface. But when the illumination stage strikes, you are ready for the change in your life. Then it's up to you to run with it. Just remember that your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors are all integrally related.
Changing your thoughts will change how you feel about something and how you behave. Changing how you feel about something will change how your think about it and what you do in the future. Changing your behavior will change your thoughts and feelings, but maybe only temporarily. Lasting personality change needs be start with your thoughts and feelings - then your behavior will follow suit.
So, if life has gotten you down and it seems like things aren't changing for you, it may be that you are in the incubation stage with what has happened to you. Give yourself a break. People are adaptive and change happens even if it takes time.
To Act or Not to Act
There are two possible routes decision making can take. We can choose to act or not to act. Sometimes inhibiting behavior is more difficult than initiating it. However, we are continually bombarded by social messages that we should act and not hold back. There is a difference between inhibiting behavior and holding back. This is similar to the common misunderstanding that people have between being assertive and aggressive.
Everything has a time and a place. There are times when we should act and there are times when we should inhibit behavior. It all depends on appropriateness. Determining what is appropriate takes a certain level of maturity.
So, inhibiting behavior is not the same as holding back. You need to consider the situation, the possible consequences, and what is appropriate given all the information you have. Then, if you decide not to act, it isn't holding back. The same approach should be used when we do decide to act. The net result is that our actions (and inactions) will get better results. Our actions will reflect a more responsible thought process.
Everything has a time and a place. There are times when we should act and there are times when we should inhibit behavior. It all depends on appropriateness. Determining what is appropriate takes a certain level of maturity.
So, inhibiting behavior is not the same as holding back. You need to consider the situation, the possible consequences, and what is appropriate given all the information you have. Then, if you decide not to act, it isn't holding back. The same approach should be used when we do decide to act. The net result is that our actions (and inactions) will get better results. Our actions will reflect a more responsible thought process.
Friday, October 30, 2009
The Power of Nine
The date 9/9/09 was a special day. It will be the last time we have a symmetrical date for a very long time (at least a century). We've had a string of these symmetrical dates since the turn of the century (1/1/01, 2/2/02, etc.). The number nine holds special significance to some people. Three is often regarded as a significant number (the trinity, the three wise men, the three pigs, etc.) and nine is three times three. Nine is also the largest single digit number (Why that is supposed to be important I don't really know).
Numerologists say that the number nine is associated with forgiveness, compassion, and success, but also arrogance and self-righteousness (Again, I have no idea why). Mathematically, nine times any number gives you a number that added together gives you nine. September 9 is the 252nd day of the year which if you add together is 9. (Some of what I just mentioned was discussed in an article on Yahoo news called "Why 09/09/09 Is So Special.")
If you take your birthdate and add it together you get your special number according to numerologists. Say your birthdate is May 29, 1983 (5/29/83). You take the 5, then add the 2 and 9 from 29, and the 8 and 3 from 83. So, you get 5 + 11 + 11. That's 27. Then you add the 2 and 7 together and you get 9. So, a person who's birthdate is 5/29/83 has 9 as their special number. (I randomly thought of this birthdate if you were wondering.)
So, what's my number? I was born September 3, 1969 (9/3/69). You add the 9 and the 3, and then the 6 and 9 together from 69. You get 9 + 3 + 15. That's 12 + 15 which is 27. Then you add the 2 and 7 together and you get 9. So, my "special" number is 9. Additionally, September 3 fell during the 36th month of 1969 and 3 + 6 from 36 is 9. Is this all a coincidence or evidence that my life is being guided by some supernatural force?
It sure would be cool if there was some special significance to the day I was born. However, it is estimated that somewhere between 300,000 to 500,000 people are born each day. That means that nearly a half million people share my birthdate. Now my birthdate doesn't seem that unique. Numerology can be fun to play around with but it has no bearing on the outcome of events in your life. Funny, I suddenly feel the urge to play SuDoku and arrange the numbers 1 through 9 in rows and columns...
Numerologists say that the number nine is associated with forgiveness, compassion, and success, but also arrogance and self-righteousness (Again, I have no idea why). Mathematically, nine times any number gives you a number that added together gives you nine. September 9 is the 252nd day of the year which if you add together is 9. (Some of what I just mentioned was discussed in an article on Yahoo news called "Why 09/09/09 Is So Special.")
If you take your birthdate and add it together you get your special number according to numerologists. Say your birthdate is May 29, 1983 (5/29/83). You take the 5, then add the 2 and 9 from 29, and the 8 and 3 from 83. So, you get 5 + 11 + 11. That's 27. Then you add the 2 and 7 together and you get 9. So, a person who's birthdate is 5/29/83 has 9 as their special number. (I randomly thought of this birthdate if you were wondering.)
So, what's my number? I was born September 3, 1969 (9/3/69). You add the 9 and the 3, and then the 6 and 9 together from 69. You get 9 + 3 + 15. That's 12 + 15 which is 27. Then you add the 2 and 7 together and you get 9. So, my "special" number is 9. Additionally, September 3 fell during the 36th month of 1969 and 3 + 6 from 36 is 9. Is this all a coincidence or evidence that my life is being guided by some supernatural force?
It sure would be cool if there was some special significance to the day I was born. However, it is estimated that somewhere between 300,000 to 500,000 people are born each day. That means that nearly a half million people share my birthdate. Now my birthdate doesn't seem that unique. Numerology can be fun to play around with but it has no bearing on the outcome of events in your life. Funny, I suddenly feel the urge to play SuDoku and arrange the numbers 1 through 9 in rows and columns...
Fall Down Seven Times, Get Up Eight
Successful people don’t always win. They face setbacks just like everyone else. The key to success is not to give up. Life isn’t always friendly to us. We all face adversity. The measure of character is how we deal with trials and tribulations. It takes persistence and determination to follow your dreams. It’s easy to give up and take the easy way out. If you set the bar low enough, you will never be disappointed. But if you shoot for the moon you might hit a star and that ain’t bad.
We can all be emotionally and mentally strong. Inner strength takes resolve. It’s a matter of being grounded and figuring out what really matters in your life. Some things are worth pursuing and some things aren’t. You might want to chase dollar signs but there's no guarantee that will make you happy. The things that make you happy don’t have a price tag. That’s what makes life precious.
Every day is an opportunity to be a better person and to make a difference in other people’s lives. Zach Braff said something in the movie The Last Kiss that stuck with me – “You can’t fail if you don’t give up.” This might sound like sentimental wishful dribble but it’s true to a point. If you don’t chase your dreams long enough, you won’t give them a chance to come true. I’m also enough of a realist to admit that you might not always get what you want in life, but you might find that what makes you feel fulfilled is a lot different from what you think you want right now. Our dreams and aspirations change over time. Still, the quote is motivational and we all need encouragement to keep going from time to time.
So, like the Chinese proverb says, “Fall down seven times, get up eight” – if you get knocked down an eighth time then you need to find the inner strength to pull yourself up a ninth time and keep on going. Life is a participation sport. The people who keep on going are the ones who make a difference in the long run.
We can all be emotionally and mentally strong. Inner strength takes resolve. It’s a matter of being grounded and figuring out what really matters in your life. Some things are worth pursuing and some things aren’t. You might want to chase dollar signs but there's no guarantee that will make you happy. The things that make you happy don’t have a price tag. That’s what makes life precious.
Every day is an opportunity to be a better person and to make a difference in other people’s lives. Zach Braff said something in the movie The Last Kiss that stuck with me – “You can’t fail if you don’t give up.” This might sound like sentimental wishful dribble but it’s true to a point. If you don’t chase your dreams long enough, you won’t give them a chance to come true. I’m also enough of a realist to admit that you might not always get what you want in life, but you might find that what makes you feel fulfilled is a lot different from what you think you want right now. Our dreams and aspirations change over time. Still, the quote is motivational and we all need encouragement to keep going from time to time.
So, like the Chinese proverb says, “Fall down seven times, get up eight” – if you get knocked down an eighth time then you need to find the inner strength to pull yourself up a ninth time and keep on going. Life is a participation sport. The people who keep on going are the ones who make a difference in the long run.
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