Slow Cooking and Sudden Change

One thing I've learned from dating is that you need to take people as they are. You can't expect them to change. But does that mean that people can't change? Psychologists say that personality becomes relatively stable after the age of 30. Yet, we all experience life changes after that age (birth of a child, divorce, job changes, etc.). We need to be cognitively flexible to deal with these changes. Still, does that mean that we are changing our personalities?

It makes sense that personality should become stable. We'd be erratic and irrational if our personalities changed all the time. Being able to deal with situational things is different from creating lasting changes within ourselves. Or is it? This is the tricky part. We may only be able to change our thoughts about things. Changing our thoughts and perceptions will produce changes in our behavior. Maybe that is the only inner change we can really count on in life.

Perhaps the creative process can shed some light on this issue. Creativity consists of four stages: preparation, incubation, illumination, and verification. Preparation is the stage where we learn about what we are doing. Incubation is an unconscious process where our thoughts about the subject slosh around in our minds even if we aren't aware of them. Illumination is when we have the "aha" moment that seems like insight came out of nowhere. And lastly, verification is the stage where we decide if our illumination reflects what we originally wanted to do.

Creativity is considered a form of problem solving. As such, this framework can be generalized to other problems in life besides writing a song or a poem. When we are faced with challenges in life, we can prepare for them by talking to people, doing research, etc. Then there is a stage where it seems like nothing is happening. Then suddenly, we have the realization of how we can move on. Change takes time but if we go through these stages we can get there.

For years I wanted to learn to cook. I told myself I didn't have time or that cooking was for other people who learned how to do it when they were younger. Then, one day when I was separated from my ex-wife, I suddenly had the compulsion to stop at the store on the way home from work and get some groceries to cook dinner. And that was the beginning of my learning to cook. In a moment's flash, a lasting life change took place that made me more independent, more self-sufficient, and more confident. It might sound cheesy but that's the way I perceive what happened.

And so the same thing can happen with other issues in your life. Problems might pile up. Unresolved issues might resurface. But when the illumination stage strikes, you are ready for the change in your life. Then it's up to you to run with it. Just remember that your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors are all integrally related.

Changing your thoughts will change how you feel about something and how you behave. Changing how you feel about something will change how your think about it and what you do in the future. Changing your behavior will change your thoughts and feelings, but maybe only temporarily. Lasting personality change needs be start with your thoughts and feelings - then your behavior will follow suit.

So, if life has gotten you down and it seems like things aren't changing for you, it may be that you are in the incubation stage with what has happened to you. Give yourself a break. People are adaptive and change happens even if it takes time.